


So Bitter and So Sweet

by unrequited_rain



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, First Love, Kid Fic, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, and a tiny bit of pat/jonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 16:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrequited_rain/pseuds/unrequited_rain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Sam through the years</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Bitter and So Sweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amuse/gifts).



> I'm trying something, stylistically, so it's meant to be snapshots and feel choppy and abrupt. If that's not your thing, I'm sorry.
> 
> This also takes place in a universe, maybe a little left of ours where everyone's a tiny bit more queer, and teenage boys really are this in touch with their emotions.

**First NHL Game - October 4, 2007**

After the game Sam checks his phone and there's the expected slew of texts and voicemails from his parents, buddies from school and old teammates. They're mostly congratulating him on his first NHL game, his first NHL point, and a few from after he put his phone away before the game started wishing him luck.

There's one that just says _'good luck'_ from an unsaved number. 

It takes all of Sam's willpower, and some he didn't know he had to not throw his phone across the locker room. He's been _trying_ and John is not helping him at all by being an asshole and acting like they can still be friends after he broke Sam's heart.

Cogs hip checks Sam, drawing his attention away from the asshole on his phone.

**First Wedding - June 17, 2017**

John's at a table with Patrick's sisters and a bunch of Blackhawks and it's... not the most awkward he's ever felt but it's pretty damn close.

"Best man speech coming up." Sam says, coming up behind John and rubbing his face into John's neck. John just hums at him noncommittally. "We should do this sometime though," Sam murmurs into his neck.

"What?" John snorts. "Get drunk and throw a party?"

Sam stills for a second, and John's pretty sure he's the only one who would have noticed. "No, get married," he murmurs. Then he's off and running up to the head table to pick up a microphone.

John feels stunned and he must look it too because the sister that's sitting next to him gives him a friendly elbow. "Your boy'll do fine," she says. "He probably won't even embarass you. Pat on the other hand," she trails off with a laugh. "It'll be good, just wait." She gives him a warm, loose limbed hug.

John nods, because they will be fine. Great even, and maybe now he can stop surreptitiously looking at rings and take Sam with him.

**First Trip Abroad - December 28, 2012**

They've talked and met up a few times over the years, but that was always just boring pleasantries and idle chit chat. They've never spent any significant time together, Sam hasn't _wanted_ to spend any time with John, he's not even sure he wants to now. But they both got invited to play for Team Canada in the Spengler Cup, and Sam isn't going to turn that down just because it'll mean he has to be in Switzerland with his ex-boyfriend.

They're in a cafe just the two of them when John blurts out "I'm sorry."

"John, don't-" Sam starts. He still doesn't want to hear any of John's shitty excuses.

"I know," John says. "I just... I'm sorry. I was, I was scared and dumb and..." He sighs and makes eye contact with Sam for the first time since he asked him to meet up after yesterday's game. "I miss you."

The thing is, Sam has tried dating other people. Several people in fact. It's not like he's spent the last five years pining over John. But maybe there's something to the cliche about never quite getting over your first love.

"You broke my heart," Sam says bluntly. John's face crumples. Some part of him thinks maybe he should feel vindicated by that, but instead it just makes him sad. "You broke my heart and maybe I should be over it already but I'm not." He sighs and they both sit there, staring at their coffees. 

**First Kid - July 30, 2023**

John's at the grocery store when he gets the phone call that Marissa's gone into labor nearly a month early.

John drops the eggs he's holding because this was not part of the plan. This was definitely not part of any plan they had came up with. Most of them revolved around the actual due date and John was supposed to be there, not in a fucking Whole Foods halfway across the city from Sam.

"John!" Sam says insistently through the phone. From the tone of his voice it's not the first time he's said it.

"Yeah?"

"Here's the plan, okay?" Sam says. "First, you're going to pay for the stuff in the cart and you're gonna drop it off at the house."

"Pay, house." John agrees.

"Got it," Sam agrees, and John can hear the smile in his voice. "Then you're going to meet us at the hospital, and you're not going to speed okay? It's not like the movies where she's going into labor and five minute's later the baby's there. Drive safe. Our baby needs both her daddies."

That seems to quell the increasingly paranoid voice inside his head. "We're gonna be dads Sam," he says quietly.

**First time they came out - November 24, 2007**

After the game Pat somehow manages to swing staying at Sam's instead of at the hotel with the rest of the Hawks. "I needed a break," Pat says, flopping down on the couch. "Toews is always running around in his fucking underwear, the goddamn nudist."

Sam snorts. He's pretty sure Toews doesn't run around hotel rooms half naked for just anyone, but he'll let Pat figure that one out for himself. "Sounds like a personal problem."

Pat buries his face in the couch cushions. "Ugh, god, you fucken, his ass man, you don't even. I fucking hate him, he's awful."

Sam can't keep from laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up asshole." Pat rolls over and pokes at Sam." "How's your boy doing anyway? Long distance relationships can be a killer."

Sam doesn't freeze up, he doesn't think, but he doesn't say anything either and that's enough to pique Pat's interest. "Shit Sammy, I was just-"

"Yeah well he's not my fucking boy anymore." Sam can't even try to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"Fuck Sam," Patrick sounds stricken. "I mean, I thought you guys were..."

"We were." Sam's suddenly exhausted, and he doesn't think it has to do with the game he just played. "I thought we were, but-"

"He's an asshole." Pat supplies. "Fuck him. You don't have a game tomorrow right?" Sam shakes his head. "Good." Pat nods. "You're getting absolutely shitfaced to forget that dick."

**First Date - October 2038**

The doorbell rings and Sam runs down the hall trying to get to the door first. "It's not a date!" Beth screams down from the second floor bathroom. It's just some friends of mine giving me a ride to the dance!" Beth stomps down the stairs, a frown on her face. "Alec and Lauren are dating anyway."

Sam looks out the window again and sees the two kids standing there, holding hands and the girl clutching a florist's box so hard her knuckles are white. He catches John's eyes and rolls his eyes.

John smirks. "Yeah, sure sweetheart."

"Really Dads," Beth huffs. "That means you don't have to stand here and scope them out." She's trying to push both of them out of the entryway when the doorbell rings again.

"We're coming!" The twins yell in unison and Beth goes white. She runs to the front door and slips out before anyone can say anything else. There's a mad dash to the window so they can watch what happens. They get there just in time to watch Beth slip the corsage onto her wrist. Then the girl presses a kiss to Beth's cheek and the boy wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"Eww, are they gonna _kiss_?" James asks, tugging on Sam's shirt. John goes hilariously still and his eyes go wide. All Sam can do is laugh."

"I don't know, but if you two don't get out of here quick your dad and I might." Sam makes some exaggerated kissing noises. Both James and Jeff run off, still grossed out by their parents showing any signs of affection.

"It's totally a date," John whispers once the boys leave the room.

"Yup," Sam nods. He's figured out by now it's best to just let John talk these things out. "It had to happen sometime."

"They're totally going to kiss," John whispers again, this time sounding pained.

"Probably, yeah." Sam agrees.

"I have a whole new appreciation for our parents now." John shakes his head. "They definitely knew about us back then, didn't they."

Sam nods in agreement. "Yeah, I think so." He presses a kiss to the side of John's head. "Wanna stay up late and wait for them to get home?

**First Breakup - August 2007**

Sam's got his head in John's lap, waving his hands around and talking about going to the Oilers, and training camp, when the words come spilling out of him. "I think we should break up."

Sam goes still in his lap. "What-"

"You're going to be in Edmonton, and I'm gonna be in Oshawa again." And now that he's started he can't stop even though he can feel how angry Sam is. "And it's far, it's really fucking far, and you're so amazing I don't want you to feel like-"

"Like what?" Sam says sitting up. "Like I have a boyfriend that I-" Sam stutters a little, and even though John can't make himself look at Sam he knows that look on Sam's face. That determined, steely glint in his eyes and he tried not to flinch. "That I love." John does wince at that, the first time either one of them has said it and it's now of all times. "And that I want to be with, even if we're gonna be thousands of miles apart."

"Sam I-" John tries to explain, because Sam's not getting it, he's doing this _for_ Sam, but Sam interrupts him.

"Screw you," Sam hisses. "I can't- why would, fuck, John."

John tries again, "Sammy I-"

"Fuck off." Sam yells, then storms out of the room."

John sighs and buries his face in his hands. "Fuck," he murmurs to himself.

**First Kiss - August 2005**

It's not exactly like Sam's springing it on him, but when he stops by the last day before he leaves for Sioux City, it's still unnerving that this isn't going to happen again till next spring.

So maybe it's the year without Sam, looming ahead of him that makes him do it. Or possibly it's something that would have happened anyway, whether Sam had left or stayed. Maybe the two of them are inevitable, or maybe this specific chain of events had to happen for John to work up the balls to do this.

They're sitting on the back steps not even talking to each other anymore, just staring out at the backyard. It starts in John's hands, bubbling up through his skin till it's all he can think about. He clenches his hands to try and keep from reaching out, but that just gets Sam's attention.

"John are you-" Sam starts, but John closes his eyes, leans forward and presses a kiss to Sam's mouth.

Sam freezes. Sam goes utterly still and John's hear starts to sink. A litany of 'shit shit shit god fucking damnit' goes through his head and he's sure he's just screwed everything up. He tries to pull back, maybe apologize but Sam reaches out a hand and grabs John's shirt, keeping him in place. John's eyes fly open and Sam's looking right back at him and maybe, just maybe John thinks, he didn't entirely fuck this up.

Then a door slams shut somewhere, loud enough to make them both spring back like they've been caught. Sam's eyes are wide, his mouth's a little open and John wants nothing more than to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by my lovely [sister](http://alliterationabomination.tumblr.com/) who does these things for me even when they're not her fandom. I've changed some stuff so any remaining errors are my own.  
> props to amuse who gave the prompt "John Tavares/Sam Gagner - a fic of all of their “firsts.”" the minute I saw it I was like yes, I need to do this one.  
> And many, many thanks to svmadelyn for running this exchange.


End file.
